Is that you, Mr. Head? No, no… just the Tip.
So when eating on the road my employer, like many, reimburses me for the actual cost of my meals. The amount I can spend for each meal is capped depending on the city. For Houston it is $45. This is often the cause of moral hazard because since it is not my money I am inclined to spend it more frivolously than had it been my actual earned money.
I try to keep to a ketogenic lifestyle, which includes my diet. The tenants of keto are basically that you try and avoid eating carbohydrates altogether. Less than 25 grams a day. Eat plenty of fat and protein, particularly from natural, seasonal, and unprocessed stuff. If you do so your body will go and remain in “ketosis” where it burns fat and your body doesn’t have the insulin spikes many carbs have which affect how you feel. So I like being keto when I can resist the temptation to avoid carbs.
I also love pizza which is loaded with Carbs. But only the crust is the carbs, the gooey melty other stuff is fair game. So when on the road and just want a quick and convenient dinner, the “Pizza Scrape” is the way to go.
Step 1 Order on dominos.com or papajohns.com online and set the delivery direct to my room. For two large pizzas with tons of toppings papajohns is usually cheaper than dominos, but I prefer the dominos topping selection which includes more vegetable variety like spinach.
Step 2 Make sure you spend a bit under $45 to leave room for a tip for your driver.
In the case of last night’s order that meant $41.61 for 2 large pizzas. One was the stock “Philly Cheeseteak” specialty pizza, the other loaded with goodies including extra mozzerela, cheddar, green peppers, mushrooms, onions, spinach, tomatoes, italian sausage, sliced italian sausage, pepperoni, ham, and salami.
Step 3 Accept delivery of the pizzas, preferably when you are dressed at least somewhat appropriately and not get caught watching The Bachelor on ABC by the driver. Don’t forget to visit the hotel lobby for a plastic silverware set. And make sure you tip the driver!
Step 4 Begin the glorious consumption of your $41 of pizza.
Step 5 After gorging yourself on the all the meats, cheeses, and vegetables, discard of the pizzas. They will usually start to smell after a while, even if it is the bare crust. So the best bet is to put the now violated pizzas out in the hallway for collection by hotel management.
There you have it. Keto eating on the Road – the pizza topping scrape.
What is the answer to the riddle this week?
Definitions in “The Insider’s TSA Dictionary” taken from James Harrington’s blog, “Taking Sense Away.”
10-100: Originally, CB radio lingo for a bathroom break. This is what some TSA officers say when they’re tired of their co-workers.
Alfalfa: TSA malespeak for an attractive female passenger.
Baby-shower-opt-out: When a woman opts out of the full body scanner and accidentally lets slip the explanation: “I don’t want to go through the scanner. I’m pregnant,” evoking a shriek from her fellow traveling companions, “Why didn’t you tell us, Becky? OH EM GEE!?” A mini celebration then takes place right there in the line. It is one of the few heartwarming things that ever come about due to the full body scanners.
BBC: Bogus Bag Check, or Bullshit Bag Check. What happens when a not-too-bright x-ray operator decides to call a bag search.
Bin Loader: What a TSA employee is for the first month of his or her employment.
Code Red: Officer malespeak. Denotes an attractive female passenger wearing red.
Fanny Pack, Lane 2: Code for an attractive female passenger.
Jif Peanut Butter: One of the main things you’ll be saving the world from in your day-to-day activities as a sworn federal security officer devoted to protecting the nation from the existential terrorist threat.
Opt out: A smart passenger.
Retaliatory wait time: What happens when a TSA officer doesn’t like your attitude. There are all sorts of ways a TSA officer can subtly make you wait longer to get through security, citing imaginary alarms, going “above the SOP” for “a more thorough screening,” pretending that something in your bag or on your full body image needs to be resolved—the punitive possibilities are endless, and there are many tricks in the screener’s bag.
Run the Cat Through the X-Ray (idiomatic): Denotes a passenger, usually someone from out of country, who is so unfamiliar and lost in U.S. airport security that they are likely to make significant errors, such as running their cats through the x-ray tunnel. Ex: “We need an officer to go out and help that flustered gentleman out front before he runs the cat through the x-ray.”
Suitcase Surgeon: Informal term for a TSA employee, derived from the blue gloves they wear. Used ironically, because it’s not like what the TSA ever does requires anything remotely approaching the mental capacity of a surgical procedure anyway, even though you may feel as though you’ve undergone a surgical procedure after they’re done with you.
TSA Baby: Officer slang for the result of procreation between two TSA officers. This is not advised, because statistics show that the likelihood of a TSA baby turning out to be a mediocrity who reflexively snatches and cries incessantly about people’s liquids, gels, creams and aerosols and who tells airplane pilots that they are not allowed to bring Swiss army knives on the plane because they may use it to hijack the plane are substantially high.
White Shirt: A TSA employee who still believes his or her job is a matter of national security.
Xray Xray Xray!: Code for an attractive female passenger, general.
Yellow Alert: Code for an attractive female passenger, yellow clothing.
Ziptop baggie: A magical thing that renders liquids safe for airplanes.